Do you see what we have done?
All the battles that we’ve won.
That you’re what I’ve always wanted.
But it’s my thoughts of you that are haunted.
Things never stay the same.
All the guilt
and all the shame.
All the lies
and all the pain.
I think I still need you.
Can you hear me scream out your name?
It’s your love that burns me up,
it’s your passion that reels me in.
It’s these chains that tie me down,
keep me tangled in your sins.
It’s in your heart that I can be found.
I only scream when you’re not around.
So you stand there,
as I lie there
and watch me burn up without a sound.
Now I find it hard to believe
anything you say to me.
So here I lie awake
thinking of every mistake we made,
feel the tears stream down my face,
stain the pillow where I lay.
I hear your whispers in the dark.
Strike our love,
see it spark
and still I’ll be alive,
forever tangled in your lies.
Okay. Came up with this on impulse. Words popped into my head. I typed em down. This is what I came up with. I'll admit I kinda stole the rhythm and beats from a certain song because I'm not really musically talented. But all in all it's got a Hollywood Undead styled feel to it. Screamo Rap. At least that's how I imagine it would sound like. Could never sing it. Or even say each verse powerfully as it's meant to sound. So take what you want from it.
- Current Music:"Lies" Glen Hansard
but it always comes back.
Once the trigger is pulled
the bullet soars
until it hits
and embeds itself to be forgotten...
until the next round is fired.
Maybe I have infinite ammo....
- Current Music:"Calling You" Blue October
All I know is that this pain is suffocating.... it just keep coming back, no matter how reassured I am, now matter how many times i fucking try to convince myself that I'm ok.... the pain's always there, it comes in waves... sometimes big, sometimes small, sometimes one at a time, sometimes all at once.
It's drowning me... breathing gets harder, I feel like i could choke on all of this pain.
Is it all really my doing? Maybe I asked for it.... guess I didn't appreciate my happiness enough, now I'm plagued with all this pain and problems. My twisted mind clutches onto them, it never lets me forget. and every once in a while.. it lashes out, leaving a large gash.. so close to killing me. But for some reason, I bear it, bear all the pain and heal. Not fully, but enough to forget... just enough to forget.... for a little while.
I think about these things so much... like I can never let go. I think about it, and then i get hurt. I let my insecurities get the best of me, I lose all control of my emotions, my rationality, my sanity...
He's so confusing! SO COMPLETELY UNPREDICTABLE!! It's so hard to deal with. "But you're onto me... and all over me...." I'm so used to figuring people out easily, he cracks that mold. He makes it so hard. I never know what's going to happen, I'm always afraid.... it could happen at any moment, and all I'm doing is dreading it, anxiously waiting if it will happen.... and confirm my worst fears...
"No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone...."
and yet...... I still fucking love the bastard...
"You hold me without touch.... You keep me without chains. I never wanted anything so much... than to drown in your love.. and not feel your rain...."
- Current Mood: crushed
- Current Music:"Gravity" Sara Bareilles
A Totally Insane Risk
It's hard to tell how things will be within this 2 week period.... I'm hoping I'll make the most of my time and not miss him too much.... His scent... savory sweet, his kiss... like pure magic, his embrace... warming me from the inside out.
- Current Mood: anxious
- Current Music:"Let It Happen" Jimmy Eat World
ignorance is bliss.....willful ignorance will screw you over in the end.
guess i thought that as soon as summer started, that my problems would go away... or at least i could forget about them for a little while.
but looky here, instead i got stuck with more problems...
now I'm not complaining per say... ok maybe i am. i dunno... you'd think after all these problems that God would give me a break... you know?
maybe im just being constantly tested... to see how much i can take before i go completely insane.
In case you didnt notice... im already insane... just not completely. yet...
I never complain.... i have a right to once in a while. right?
I take all this shit and i deal with it.... maybe 10 boxes of tissues isnt the best way, but hey... its what i do.
i wouldnt mind a comforting shoulder every once in a while though. I've got quite a few and for that i am truly grateful.
I hate being vague about stuff like this. but if i explained all of my problems, you'd go crazy too...
or figure im a whiny baby..... either way i dont want to. it'd be too much....
regretting, repenting, worrying, crying, screaming, shaking, sweating, bleeding, pretending that I'm ok.....
awake late at night, wondering when the hell this all happened.......
dwelling on the past.... because it haunts me....
i gotta stop doing that.... none of this is worth explaining anyway.....
nothing but a late night thinking marathon.....
farewell for now...
- Current Location:my basement
- Current Mood: discontent
- Current Music:Practice Makes Perfect Cute is What We Aim For
Meeting Chris: Innocence By Avril Lavigne heh.... well that didnt last too long now did it...?
That Summer: The Best Thing By Relient K *shrugs* still relevant for the most part....
Mom Loosing Her Job (Coping): Maddening Shroud By Frou Frou
Falling Friendships: Perfect World By Simple Plan same....
School Days(Friends): Happy! Smile! Hello! Panyo Panyo Digi Charat
Falcon Pawn! http://www.youtube.com/wat
Just One of Those Days: One Week By Bare Naked Ladies
Frustrating Times(Code: RI.NT): Let Go By Frou Frou perfect song for him....
A Little's Enough By Angels and Airwaves
Breakdown(Code: PW): Until the Day I Die By Story of the Year
I'm Not Okay (I Promise) By My Chemical Romance
Recovering: Pain By Jimmy Eat World
Is That A Smile?: Hear Me Out By Frou Frou nope... its fake.
Certainly It'll Get Better(The Here & Now): God Knows By Aya Hirano(TMHS) perfect song for my relationship...
- Current Location:my basement
- Current Mood: calm
- Current Music:everything
Long story short, my single mother is out of a job. She got "layed off" in early August and ended up at the hospital because of panic attacks. She was there for about... id say 2 weeks. So she's been on disability since then.
Mom told me not to worry... and she kept saying that she'd get a job soon. But it still hasn't happened...
So good ol' mom threw quite a doosy at me yesturday. Looks like she'll be applying for food stamps... yeah, guess how much that sucks?
Not only am i worried out of my freakin skull, but I'm.... well I'm kinda angry too. I'm just thinking "how could she let this happen?" she didnt seem at all phased by the fact that we're applying for food stamps, like it's no big deal. Almost like she knew it would happen. I dont understand!! And she tells me not to worry. Hah! that's definitely not gonna happen.
All I'm thinking is what will happen next? First she looses her job, then we can't afford to buy food.... what happens after that? Is there a list of signs leading to poverty? Will i loose the house next? I dont know.... I don't want to leave... if we loose the house, we'll be moving to Colorado and probably living with my aunt, uncle, and cousins.... COLORADO. all the way on the other side of the US.... I don't want to leave.... I've lived here all my life... all my friends are here... Chris... is here..
I made a promise to him... i was so positive that my mom wouldn't let it get this far... i promised him i wouldn't leave... but now i dont know what to expect... i honestly have no clue what will happen next. I just want to fix all this.... i want all this misfortune to go away.... I want to be happy for more than a fucking week without lightning striking me over and over again.... It just seems like one thing after another... it never stops... i don't understand.....
i just don't know what to do anymore.....
- Current Location:my basement
- Current Mood: worried
- Current Music:"Agony" Kotoko
ive been too poetic lately. ^^'
not to mention i havent written in ages. (not that anybody actually reads these things anyway. -.-)
so let's get down to it.
Life itself is somewhat of a mess. not a surprise *shrugs* but i move on. (for the most part)
Conflicts make it a little harder, stress weighs it down.
For any of you who actually read my posts (hah! wishful thinking) how bout i talk more about this special guy in my life. For all of you that are curious (again im being optimistic :P), his name is Chris. Our one year anniversary is June 9th, it's hard to believe its been a whole year.... *shakes head* well its been one hell of a ride, ill tell you that much. I would re-cap, but i could write a frickin book on it. So just wait until its published: Memoirs of the Girl You Never Knew. Pretty clever if i do say so myself. ;] Still in progress, but I'm hoping it'll be a good read.
Okay! Back to the subject at hand.[ADD much?] Him, the guy who pretty much put me back together but one who could tear me apart at any given moment. Pretty scary huh? Not to mention the vulnerability is a little unnerving. But I'm a trusting person, so I'm comfortable. My life has been an emotional roller coaster ever since I met him. Now you'd think me being the regular whiney "i can't take a little pain and I don't plan to love him so I'll break up with him at the first sign of a problem" kinda girl. Just like alot of them that populate the student body.
Uhh yeah, not even! Maybe it's because I've fallen madly in love with him, that I would'nt think of doing such a terrible thing. I tend to ponder on that. But I'm just glad that it happened. Despite all the problems and pain, I'm still standing. We're still standing, maybe not so strong yet, but we're getting there. It's the fact that we're still standing, and still together that I have hope for the future. A future with him. A little morbid.. but, even though I wont be ready for it, I'm willing to face whatever tragedy, struggles, pain, stress, or misfortune comes my way. After all this shit, there's so way I'm giving up!
not to mention I couldn't imagine my life without him....
enough of that, I've drawn this journal a little long. More to come on another post, another day.
- Current Location:school....shh..
- Current Mood: content
- Current Music:i wish =.=
Make the most of your days, time may be running out, so make your life worth talking about.
Sometimes.... i am a afraid, afraid that i will lose everything I've ever loved.
Love..... seems like no one believes in that anymore, they've all given up. They believe its not worth while, my dear i beg to differ.
It is a sad day when no one believes in love, more so in hate and resentment of those who are in love. An experience they think they will never receive. When all seems hopeless, they do nothing but wallow. I believe everything happens for a reason, everyone has a purpose, and for most there is someone out there that will truly make them happy.
I look at myself.... and i see a generally happy person, one with flaws yes, but a good person none the less. I am grateful for what i have, oh more than grateful. And yet i curse myself time and time again, curse my mind, my imagination.... it all gets the best of me. I never admit when i am afraid, i elude strength and happiness. But in all reality, i am trembling. I am afraid.... of failing, of losing what i love more than anything, of hurting .....of falling apart.
He keeps me together, he's the one i trust with my fragile sanity. I am so vulnerable, I've let my guard down. True love will do that to you. When you find the person you love most, the one you wish to spend the rest of your days on this earth with, you let it all fall. You leave your walls open, your guard down. The vulnerablility is frightening, but trust and love over powers this. I've promised myself, no matter what happens...... dont lose him... whatever you do, do not lose him.
They say your life flashes before your eyes before you die....
so make it worth watching.
Sometimes you want to scream, lash out at nothing, just to feel something.
Feeling helpless, lonely, frustrated, insecure, angry, at the edge of giving up.
Hot tears rolling, cold hands shaking, breathing short and wavering.
Stomach hollow, heart heavy, so little to do in so much time.
They say "distance makes the heart grow fonder", maybe believing is worth it.
I will keep going because...
everyone wants to be happy,
nobody wants to be in pain,
but you cant have a rainbow,
without any rain.
- Current Music:"Show Me Love" tatu